This is my tribute version to the Pants on the Ground ditty.
I made it the Tiger Woods Version:
Balls on the Ground
Balls on the Ground
Layin' here with my Balls on the Ground
Can't sit up
Can't turn around
Layin' here with my Balls on the Ground
Young Cute Wife caught me foolin' around
she snuck up and nailed my Balls to the Ground
I can't stand up
I can't go to town
I'm stayin' right here with my Balls on the Ground
Saturday, January 23, 2010
Friday, January 22, 2010
Top 10 reasons Obama was elected President and not Me
10. I would move all of our Iraq based military troops to the largest oil field in southern Iraq near the sea port and secure it, I would let the rest of Iraq sort out their political issues themselves and tell them " This oil field is ours until we recover the money we've wasted here in the last 10 years, When we are done, we'll leave and you can have it back".
9. I would pull all troops out of Afganistan and Pakistan, I would blanket all known and suspected areas of terrorist operations with so many surveillance drones they would block out the sky 24 hrs a day, if someone farts in those areas we will know immediately and bomb them into dust.
8. I would make the Auto Manufacturers that took Bailout money give every native born American over the age of 40 a free car if they want one.
7. I would make the banks and mortgage companies who caused American citizens to be forclosed on between 2005 and 2009 because of junk loans, reimburse them 50% of their home's highest listed market value during that period.
6. I would make it manatory for Illeagal Aliens caught committing a misdemenor crime and convicted, to pass an English language course before they are released and they will be required to speak English in any job dealing with the public, If a native or naturalized citizen files a complaint againt them for not speaking English, they will be arrested again.
5. I would make it manatory for Illeagal Aliens caught committing a felony crime and convicted, to serve their sentence in the US military overseas in a war zone or in a Domestic work force rebuilding community projects around the country. If they attempt to flee from one of these assignments they will be shot on sight.
4. I'd Renegotiate treaties with the Native Americans.
3. I'd make the Gray Wolf the National Canine.
2. I would execute anyone caught holding a cell phone to their ear while driving.
1. I would make Texas Hold'em the National Pastime!.
9. I would pull all troops out of Afganistan and Pakistan, I would blanket all known and suspected areas of terrorist operations with so many surveillance drones they would block out the sky 24 hrs a day, if someone farts in those areas we will know immediately and bomb them into dust.
8. I would make the Auto Manufacturers that took Bailout money give every native born American over the age of 40 a free car if they want one.
7. I would make the banks and mortgage companies who caused American citizens to be forclosed on between 2005 and 2009 because of junk loans, reimburse them 50% of their home's highest listed market value during that period.
6. I would make it manatory for Illeagal Aliens caught committing a misdemenor crime and convicted, to pass an English language course before they are released and they will be required to speak English in any job dealing with the public, If a native or naturalized citizen files a complaint againt them for not speaking English, they will be arrested again.
5. I would make it manatory for Illeagal Aliens caught committing a felony crime and convicted, to serve their sentence in the US military overseas in a war zone or in a Domestic work force rebuilding community projects around the country. If they attempt to flee from one of these assignments they will be shot on sight.
4. I'd Renegotiate treaties with the Native Americans.
3. I'd make the Gray Wolf the National Canine.
2. I would execute anyone caught holding a cell phone to their ear while driving.
1. I would make Texas Hold'em the National Pastime!.
Sunday, July 5, 2009
Gone Fishin' with the Deliverance Boys
It was late Friday afternoon, I stopped by my wife's place of work to pick her up. she wasn't ready to go yet so I proceeded to the warehouse to talk with our friend Wade, during the course of our conversation, Wade asked if I would like to go fishing with him and his neighbors that evening. They had called and asked him to go earlier in the day.
Wade had never been fishing with these 2 brothers before, Wade told me they were kind of wild but, I paid no heed, I hadn't been fishing for a long time and it sounded like fun. Wade told me they would come by and pick me up around 6:30, My wife was ready to go and we left to go home and I could get ready for the fishing trip. I got home and gathered up my fishing gear and cooler, anticipating being out all night.
6:30 came and went and 8:00 rolled around, at 8:30 Wade called and told me the boys were still getting ready and they should get me in about an hour, I said "OK" and I waited, at 10:30 I told my wife I was not going to go, I was starting to unpack my gear when I saw an old station wagon pull up in front of the house, Wade emerged from the front passengers side, I grabbed my stuff and met Wade at the back of the car, the driver rolled down the back window, this car was packed to the hilt! I slid my fishing rod in against the roof and stuffed my sleeping bag on the other side between what appeared to be a tent and the back door, I had to squeeze into the back seat behind the drive with my small cooler in the floorboard I folded my legs uncomfortably on top of it and sat on what was left of the seat space, and quickly slammed the door to keep anything from spilling out, (including me), I turned my head to talk to Wade in the front seat and was promptly licked in the face by a young German Shepard trying his best to climb over the gear in the middle of the car to get to me.
As the dog slid over the top and ended head first in my lap with his butt in my face, I heard a voice exclaim, "That's Digger" I did my best to glance past the dog butt and over the pile in the middle to the other side of the backseat to see the head of a man several years younger than myself, with short sandy hair and a moustach, who was the source of the gravely voice, telling me the name of his puppy. From the front seat I heard Wade say, "Mike, this is Clint and John".
Clint being the one in the backseat and John was the driver, of which I could only see the back of his head from behind the wagging tail. John spoke up and said" Let's go fishin'" and we headed off to our destination unknown. Digger, did his best to right himself and clawed my arm and side trying to get back over to Clint as Clint asked me if I'd like a beer, I took the beer and as my eyes adjusted to the darkness in the car, I could see Clint looked like he had already had a beer or twelve and I imagined other mind altering substances as well. Not that I was being judgemental, I had experimented with a number of substances in my earlier years, but at this stage of my life, beer was about the only thing I still enjoyed. So, we setttled in for the ride to our fishing destination. Clint, began telling me 8 year jokes and would crack up when I would shoot back the answer before he finished the question. Digger kept hopping back and forth trying to get some attention and chewed on my arm every time he slid over to my side of the car.
I soon inquired as to where we were actually going on this exciting excursion, John answered back they had a good fishin' place over here north of Taylor, Taylor was about 15 miles from where I lived in Round Rock and I wasn't sure what was north of there, I asked Wade if he knew where we were going and he said he had never been fishing over here before with these guys, Clint piped up and and said "It's a good place, we get lots of fish here." I decided I wasn't going to get an answer to my satisfaction, so,I resigned myself to keep my eyes open and I would determine for myself where we were headed by watching for landmarks I was familar with.
After riding about 20 minutes, we hit the outskirts of Taylor and turned on the hiway north, a few minutes later John delcared we needed to stop for more beer and ice, we pulled into the only gas station and convienence store I'd seen for miles, While John when into the store I heard John say somthing about asking the clerk for directions to the lake. This shot up a red flag in my mind, I got out of the car to stretch my legs and walked around the car to talk to Wade, I said "Wade, I thought these guys knew where they were going" He said "they told me they come fishing up here all the time" about that time the brothers exited from the store, I hear John say " he said we go up here another couple of miles and make a right turn and that will take us to the lake" as john is putting the beer and ice in the cooler in the front seat, I squeeze back into my seat and a minute later we are on the road again.
In about 2 miles there is the small town of Granger, as we are slowing driving through downtown Granger, John starts cussing up a storm at the stupid clerk, "He gave us the wrong directions that Asshole!" John declares, About that time John spots a bar that is open and pulls over to park, He jumps out of the car saying he is going in there to get directions to the lake, a few minutes later he returns and says the men in the bar told him to go to the stop light and take a left and that will take us to the lake. At this point I'm really starting to question what I got myself into here, These guys are suspose to know where their favorite fishing hole is and we've already stopped twice for directions. At this time I decide I need to remain sober for the rest of this trip, because I don't know where the hell we are going to end up.
We make a left at the light and follow it as it makes a long right curve to the right and lo and behold as we emerge from a large stand of trees, we are on the edge of the dam at the north end of the lake, "THOSE SONS OF BITCHES", " THOSE SONS OF BITCHES", "THEY FUCKIN' LIED TO ME" GODDAMN IT, I'M GONNA GO BACK AND KICK THIER ASSES" this goes on and on as we cross the dam and continue around the lake, 30 minutes later we have circled the lake and are back in Granger, John is still saying he wants to go back to the bar and kick some ass, we miss the road to to the lake again and make another pass over the dam, again we circle the lake and end up in Granger again John is still cussing and now Clint has joined in and both of them are still talking about kicking ass in the bar, This time around Wade spots the road sign pointing to Wills Creek Park and gets John's attention in time to make the turn. a minute later we are at the entrance to the park, It's closed of course. It's 1:30 in the morning and we are sitting at the closed entrance to the park, now what does one do in this case?
Of course John says " Let's go fishin!" and we pile out of the car, The dog goes bounding into the woods and john opens the back of the car and begins dragging everything out, spreading it across the parking lot. In the middle of the the tent, sleeping bags, cooking gear, food boxes, coolers and various other unidentidied equipment, I see 2 new fishing rod combos in blister packs, apparently Walmart was having a sale on fishing gear and it was too good to pass up.
John and Clint, plop themselves down in the middle of all the stuff they could fit into the car and began opening the new rods, of course assembly is required to make them ready for catching fish. In the process of putting rods together in the right order and putting the spool of 10 lb test the correct direction in the reel so it unwinds during casting, I see someone has come up with a baggie of mushrooms, I didn't think were were going to make pasta at that time. I'm handed a few pieces and John encourges me to "chew em up good". I thought drinking the rest of the night wasn't a good idea, this sure as hell wasn't gonna fly. I mumbled a thanks, and worked my way to the other side of the car, where I promptly tossed the 'shrooms into the grass.
For the next 30 minutes I waited as the brothers sat on the ground in the parking lot, putting their new rods together and commenting the "We're goin' fishin'". The dog is running in and out of the stand of trees near by and Clint keeps hollering at him to "GET BACK HERE" much to the dismay of nearby campers in their tents trying to sleep. At last the fishing rods are assembled and the boys begin repacking the car, Wade and I have our gear and are ready to get to the lake, even though we still don't know where we are going. As we climb over the rail blocking the entrance to the park I see up ahead a restroom and feel relief, I think Wade had the same thought for we both make our way toward the little building, having to pee for the last hour. Having taken care of that little task, we emerge back into the darkness and see the brothers still lingering back near the gate, apparently they have become engaged in a heated discussion about where the best place for us to fish will be.
Having no desire to stand there and wait for them to finish, Wade and I head down the park road skirting the camp sites to a destination unknown. We walked about 3/4 of a mile to where the road makes a left hand turn, we look back to see the brothers haven't moved very far from where we left them, We see their latern swinging back and forth, so they must be moving this way. Wade and I continue to follow the road and we find ourselves in the parking lot of the Group campgrounds. We walked over to the picnic shelter and put our gear down and waited for the brothers to catch up.
I got a Coke out of my cooler and sat down, Wade laid down on a table and we began discussing if the brother knew where they were going. In about half an hour we hear the voices and see the light of the latern appear at the turn in the road, after another discussion we see the light move off the road and through the barbed wire fence to the side of it, Wade and I can't make out the conversation but, it is getting intense again and we see the light stop about 100 ft past the fence.
Now at this point I'm thinking that the brothers will realize that Wade and I are missing and will try to find out where we are. We wait quietly in the dark to see if the will call out or venture our way to find us. About 10 minutes pass and we can still here the unintelligable voices in a lively conversation, then the light is set on the ground and the talk continues, Wade and I look at each other and laugh. We decide we better join them or we will never find out where we are fishing.
We walk back up the road to the turn and climb through the fence where the brothers went through, We pushed our way through the brables and weeds and ended up in a plowed field, as we approached we heard the conversation and it was about where was the best place to fish here, We sat down on our coolers and listened to the brothers continous banter back and forth. At last I could see water in the distance, about another 150 yards. Timewise I think it's about 4am. I've been hoping to get my hook in the water for the last 10 hrs, and we're only 20 miles from home. As the debate continues my eyes adjust to the level of light and I notice we are surrounded by 3 foot tall Fire Ant mounds, OH GREAT!
SO, we are settled in to our little circle basking in the glow of our Coleman laterns in the middle of millions of hungy Fire Ants in the middle of the night and I sit patiently not listening to the obscure convesation going on between the brothers, I know our goal is near, I can see it in the darkness reflecting the surrounding lights, for some reason I continue to stiffle my urge to shout " Let's get the hell up and get to the lake and FISH!" The chatter goes on for an hour and then, we are gathering up our gear and at last moving toward the water, Finally we are at waters edge, Perparing to bait my hook and cast it in to the dark abyss to catch untold numbers of what this lake has to offer. I cast my line and hear the plop of the hook hitting the surface of the water, And I wait, and wait, and wait.
The fish aren't biting here, if there are any fish. For the next few hours this is how it it goes, I throw my line in the water wait for a while then move up the channel and try again, Noone is is catching anything either, about 9am the sun is getting warm, Wade and I are sitting together talking and I hear John call to Clint to "GO GET THE CAR!" We see Clint grab his gear and Digger and head off across the field. Another hour goes by and we've been waiting for Clint to come back. Finally we join John and decide we have fished enough and it's time to make our way back to the park and find Clint. We trudge across the field about a quarter mile and see the station wagon in the parking lot. as we get closer the dog comes bounding out to greet us but, we still don't see any sign of Clint. We approach the barbed wire fence near where the car is parked and as we climb through the fence we find Clint, The drivers door is open and Clint is passed out on the parking lot. John goes over and kicks Clint a few times to wake him up, He wakes up and rolls over and stands up.
John gets in the car and backs the car up and pulls it across several parking spaces and parks it facing the park dumpster. he hops out of the car and says "I'm hungry let's eat". He opens the back of the car and pulls half of it's contents this time, he finds the camp stove and fires it up, he opens his cooler and takes out a carton of eggs and a pack of pork chops, then produces a fry pan from one of the other boxes and sets it on the stove, opens the chops and puts several in the pan. While that is going on Clint opens a big box of assorted bags of chips, he opens about 5 bags and dumps them on the ground so Digger can eat, I grab a bag for myself since I decide I'm hungry too, Big mistake, these chips are way past stale.
Now with all of this exciting activity going on it's time for the Park Ranger to pull up in her truck. "Hi, Whacha Ya'll doin'? John answers " We're havin' breakfast!" To which she replies "Ya know we really perfer for you to have cooking fires in the picnic areas" I'm waiting for her to whip out the ticket book, instead she says "Since you've already started Make sure you clean up good when you are finished". We assure her we will clean it all up when we leave, and she turns the truck around and goes on her way.
I'm kind of amazed that was all there was to it. The chops are cooked, John dumps the eggs in the pan and scrambles them, we find paper plates and sit on the ground and eat, it wasn't bad. after that is done we begin cleaning up and repacking the car, I'm standing behind John as he pulls a clean t-shirt out of the car, He pull off his dirty shirt and I think to myself "HOLY SHIT, WHAT THE HELL IS THIS", I see on John's back his tatoos he has across his shoulders in 3 inch letter "WHITE POWER" and a Swastika covering the rest of his back. I had no idea, there were no exposed tatoos anywhere else on his body that I saw. My mind was reeling from all kind of thoughts of things that could have happened.
We finally got the car loaded and headed out of the Park, On the way out we stopped and the gate house and the Ranger inside said "Hi, John, Did ya'll come fishin' last night?" They really did come here a lot it appears, I'm amazed again.
About a mile down the road John pulls the car over and reaches around and hit Clint " You drive, I'm done". Clint get's in the drivers seat and we take off again, I'm watching our route back even thought I'm dead tired too. we come to the intersection of the road where they could turn to Austin instead of Round Rock, Clint flips on the turn signal, I say "NO, You need to take me home first" and we make it to my house, I say "Good Bye and It was fun" and they drive off. I enter the house and drop my stuff, I met my wife in the kitchen and tell her "I AIN'T NEVER GOIN' FISHIN' AGAIN!" I headed to our bedroom and slept til Sunday.
Wade had never been fishing with these 2 brothers before, Wade told me they were kind of wild but, I paid no heed, I hadn't been fishing for a long time and it sounded like fun. Wade told me they would come by and pick me up around 6:30, My wife was ready to go and we left to go home and I could get ready for the fishing trip. I got home and gathered up my fishing gear and cooler, anticipating being out all night.
6:30 came and went and 8:00 rolled around, at 8:30 Wade called and told me the boys were still getting ready and they should get me in about an hour, I said "OK" and I waited, at 10:30 I told my wife I was not going to go, I was starting to unpack my gear when I saw an old station wagon pull up in front of the house, Wade emerged from the front passengers side, I grabbed my stuff and met Wade at the back of the car, the driver rolled down the back window, this car was packed to the hilt! I slid my fishing rod in against the roof and stuffed my sleeping bag on the other side between what appeared to be a tent and the back door, I had to squeeze into the back seat behind the drive with my small cooler in the floorboard I folded my legs uncomfortably on top of it and sat on what was left of the seat space, and quickly slammed the door to keep anything from spilling out, (including me), I turned my head to talk to Wade in the front seat and was promptly licked in the face by a young German Shepard trying his best to climb over the gear in the middle of the car to get to me.
As the dog slid over the top and ended head first in my lap with his butt in my face, I heard a voice exclaim, "That's Digger" I did my best to glance past the dog butt and over the pile in the middle to the other side of the backseat to see the head of a man several years younger than myself, with short sandy hair and a moustach, who was the source of the gravely voice, telling me the name of his puppy. From the front seat I heard Wade say, "Mike, this is Clint and John".
Clint being the one in the backseat and John was the driver, of which I could only see the back of his head from behind the wagging tail. John spoke up and said" Let's go fishin'" and we headed off to our destination unknown. Digger, did his best to right himself and clawed my arm and side trying to get back over to Clint as Clint asked me if I'd like a beer, I took the beer and as my eyes adjusted to the darkness in the car, I could see Clint looked like he had already had a beer or twelve and I imagined other mind altering substances as well. Not that I was being judgemental, I had experimented with a number of substances in my earlier years, but at this stage of my life, beer was about the only thing I still enjoyed. So, we setttled in for the ride to our fishing destination. Clint, began telling me 8 year jokes and would crack up when I would shoot back the answer before he finished the question. Digger kept hopping back and forth trying to get some attention and chewed on my arm every time he slid over to my side of the car.
I soon inquired as to where we were actually going on this exciting excursion, John answered back they had a good fishin' place over here north of Taylor, Taylor was about 15 miles from where I lived in Round Rock and I wasn't sure what was north of there, I asked Wade if he knew where we were going and he said he had never been fishing over here before with these guys, Clint piped up and and said "It's a good place, we get lots of fish here." I decided I wasn't going to get an answer to my satisfaction, so,I resigned myself to keep my eyes open and I would determine for myself where we were headed by watching for landmarks I was familar with.
After riding about 20 minutes, we hit the outskirts of Taylor and turned on the hiway north, a few minutes later John delcared we needed to stop for more beer and ice, we pulled into the only gas station and convienence store I'd seen for miles, While John when into the store I heard John say somthing about asking the clerk for directions to the lake. This shot up a red flag in my mind, I got out of the car to stretch my legs and walked around the car to talk to Wade, I said "Wade, I thought these guys knew where they were going" He said "they told me they come fishing up here all the time" about that time the brothers exited from the store, I hear John say " he said we go up here another couple of miles and make a right turn and that will take us to the lake" as john is putting the beer and ice in the cooler in the front seat, I squeeze back into my seat and a minute later we are on the road again.
In about 2 miles there is the small town of Granger, as we are slowing driving through downtown Granger, John starts cussing up a storm at the stupid clerk, "He gave us the wrong directions that Asshole!" John declares, About that time John spots a bar that is open and pulls over to park, He jumps out of the car saying he is going in there to get directions to the lake, a few minutes later he returns and says the men in the bar told him to go to the stop light and take a left and that will take us to the lake. At this point I'm really starting to question what I got myself into here, These guys are suspose to know where their favorite fishing hole is and we've already stopped twice for directions. At this time I decide I need to remain sober for the rest of this trip, because I don't know where the hell we are going to end up.
We make a left at the light and follow it as it makes a long right curve to the right and lo and behold as we emerge from a large stand of trees, we are on the edge of the dam at the north end of the lake, "THOSE SONS OF BITCHES", " THOSE SONS OF BITCHES", "THEY FUCKIN' LIED TO ME" GODDAMN IT, I'M GONNA GO BACK AND KICK THIER ASSES" this goes on and on as we cross the dam and continue around the lake, 30 minutes later we have circled the lake and are back in Granger, John is still saying he wants to go back to the bar and kick some ass, we miss the road to to the lake again and make another pass over the dam, again we circle the lake and end up in Granger again John is still cussing and now Clint has joined in and both of them are still talking about kicking ass in the bar, This time around Wade spots the road sign pointing to Wills Creek Park and gets John's attention in time to make the turn. a minute later we are at the entrance to the park, It's closed of course. It's 1:30 in the morning and we are sitting at the closed entrance to the park, now what does one do in this case?
Of course John says " Let's go fishin!" and we pile out of the car, The dog goes bounding into the woods and john opens the back of the car and begins dragging everything out, spreading it across the parking lot. In the middle of the the tent, sleeping bags, cooking gear, food boxes, coolers and various other unidentidied equipment, I see 2 new fishing rod combos in blister packs, apparently Walmart was having a sale on fishing gear and it was too good to pass up.
John and Clint, plop themselves down in the middle of all the stuff they could fit into the car and began opening the new rods, of course assembly is required to make them ready for catching fish. In the process of putting rods together in the right order and putting the spool of 10 lb test the correct direction in the reel so it unwinds during casting, I see someone has come up with a baggie of mushrooms, I didn't think were were going to make pasta at that time. I'm handed a few pieces and John encourges me to "chew em up good". I thought drinking the rest of the night wasn't a good idea, this sure as hell wasn't gonna fly. I mumbled a thanks, and worked my way to the other side of the car, where I promptly tossed the 'shrooms into the grass.
For the next 30 minutes I waited as the brothers sat on the ground in the parking lot, putting their new rods together and commenting the "We're goin' fishin'". The dog is running in and out of the stand of trees near by and Clint keeps hollering at him to "GET BACK HERE" much to the dismay of nearby campers in their tents trying to sleep. At last the fishing rods are assembled and the boys begin repacking the car, Wade and I have our gear and are ready to get to the lake, even though we still don't know where we are going. As we climb over the rail blocking the entrance to the park I see up ahead a restroom and feel relief, I think Wade had the same thought for we both make our way toward the little building, having to pee for the last hour. Having taken care of that little task, we emerge back into the darkness and see the brothers still lingering back near the gate, apparently they have become engaged in a heated discussion about where the best place for us to fish will be.
Having no desire to stand there and wait for them to finish, Wade and I head down the park road skirting the camp sites to a destination unknown. We walked about 3/4 of a mile to where the road makes a left hand turn, we look back to see the brothers haven't moved very far from where we left them, We see their latern swinging back and forth, so they must be moving this way. Wade and I continue to follow the road and we find ourselves in the parking lot of the Group campgrounds. We walked over to the picnic shelter and put our gear down and waited for the brothers to catch up.
I got a Coke out of my cooler and sat down, Wade laid down on a table and we began discussing if the brother knew where they were going. In about half an hour we hear the voices and see the light of the latern appear at the turn in the road, after another discussion we see the light move off the road and through the barbed wire fence to the side of it, Wade and I can't make out the conversation but, it is getting intense again and we see the light stop about 100 ft past the fence.
Now at this point I'm thinking that the brothers will realize that Wade and I are missing and will try to find out where we are. We wait quietly in the dark to see if the will call out or venture our way to find us. About 10 minutes pass and we can still here the unintelligable voices in a lively conversation, then the light is set on the ground and the talk continues, Wade and I look at each other and laugh. We decide we better join them or we will never find out where we are fishing.
We walk back up the road to the turn and climb through the fence where the brothers went through, We pushed our way through the brables and weeds and ended up in a plowed field, as we approached we heard the conversation and it was about where was the best place to fish here, We sat down on our coolers and listened to the brothers continous banter back and forth. At last I could see water in the distance, about another 150 yards. Timewise I think it's about 4am. I've been hoping to get my hook in the water for the last 10 hrs, and we're only 20 miles from home. As the debate continues my eyes adjust to the level of light and I notice we are surrounded by 3 foot tall Fire Ant mounds, OH GREAT!
SO, we are settled in to our little circle basking in the glow of our Coleman laterns in the middle of millions of hungy Fire Ants in the middle of the night and I sit patiently not listening to the obscure convesation going on between the brothers, I know our goal is near, I can see it in the darkness reflecting the surrounding lights, for some reason I continue to stiffle my urge to shout " Let's get the hell up and get to the lake and FISH!" The chatter goes on for an hour and then, we are gathering up our gear and at last moving toward the water, Finally we are at waters edge, Perparing to bait my hook and cast it in to the dark abyss to catch untold numbers of what this lake has to offer. I cast my line and hear the plop of the hook hitting the surface of the water, And I wait, and wait, and wait.
The fish aren't biting here, if there are any fish. For the next few hours this is how it it goes, I throw my line in the water wait for a while then move up the channel and try again, Noone is is catching anything either, about 9am the sun is getting warm, Wade and I are sitting together talking and I hear John call to Clint to "GO GET THE CAR!" We see Clint grab his gear and Digger and head off across the field. Another hour goes by and we've been waiting for Clint to come back. Finally we join John and decide we have fished enough and it's time to make our way back to the park and find Clint. We trudge across the field about a quarter mile and see the station wagon in the parking lot. as we get closer the dog comes bounding out to greet us but, we still don't see any sign of Clint. We approach the barbed wire fence near where the car is parked and as we climb through the fence we find Clint, The drivers door is open and Clint is passed out on the parking lot. John goes over and kicks Clint a few times to wake him up, He wakes up and rolls over and stands up.
John gets in the car and backs the car up and pulls it across several parking spaces and parks it facing the park dumpster. he hops out of the car and says "I'm hungry let's eat". He opens the back of the car and pulls half of it's contents this time, he finds the camp stove and fires it up, he opens his cooler and takes out a carton of eggs and a pack of pork chops, then produces a fry pan from one of the other boxes and sets it on the stove, opens the chops and puts several in the pan. While that is going on Clint opens a big box of assorted bags of chips, he opens about 5 bags and dumps them on the ground so Digger can eat, I grab a bag for myself since I decide I'm hungry too, Big mistake, these chips are way past stale.
Now with all of this exciting activity going on it's time for the Park Ranger to pull up in her truck. "Hi, Whacha Ya'll doin'? John answers " We're havin' breakfast!" To which she replies "Ya know we really perfer for you to have cooking fires in the picnic areas" I'm waiting for her to whip out the ticket book, instead she says "Since you've already started Make sure you clean up good when you are finished". We assure her we will clean it all up when we leave, and she turns the truck around and goes on her way.
I'm kind of amazed that was all there was to it. The chops are cooked, John dumps the eggs in the pan and scrambles them, we find paper plates and sit on the ground and eat, it wasn't bad. after that is done we begin cleaning up and repacking the car, I'm standing behind John as he pulls a clean t-shirt out of the car, He pull off his dirty shirt and I think to myself "HOLY SHIT, WHAT THE HELL IS THIS", I see on John's back his tatoos he has across his shoulders in 3 inch letter "WHITE POWER" and a Swastika covering the rest of his back. I had no idea, there were no exposed tatoos anywhere else on his body that I saw. My mind was reeling from all kind of thoughts of things that could have happened.
We finally got the car loaded and headed out of the Park, On the way out we stopped and the gate house and the Ranger inside said "Hi, John, Did ya'll come fishin' last night?" They really did come here a lot it appears, I'm amazed again.
About a mile down the road John pulls the car over and reaches around and hit Clint " You drive, I'm done". Clint get's in the drivers seat and we take off again, I'm watching our route back even thought I'm dead tired too. we come to the intersection of the road where they could turn to Austin instead of Round Rock, Clint flips on the turn signal, I say "NO, You need to take me home first" and we make it to my house, I say "Good Bye and It was fun" and they drive off. I enter the house and drop my stuff, I met my wife in the kitchen and tell her "I AIN'T NEVER GOIN' FISHIN' AGAIN!" I headed to our bedroom and slept til Sunday.
Sunday, April 5, 2009
A Visit to the Poker Gods
Recently I was in Las Vegas for a friend's wedding. I lived in Las Vegas for 9 years before moving back to Texas in 2007.
In the last 2 years I've met some new friends that play poker every Saturday night. They have a nice set of poker chips that accommodate about 25 players.
I saw a need to supplement their chips when on occasion they would run short on high end chips if extra players came to the game. Not being one who will just say " Hey, I found this for you when I was in Las Vegas" I concocted this tale for my Hostess.
While visiting Las Vegas We decide to take a side trip to Red Rock Canyon to visit the place where my wife and I got married. While walking down one of the hiking trails I gazed up the side of the canyon and noticed a glimmer of light in a small cave. My curiosity got the best of me and I climbed up the mountain to the cave to find out what was shining from inside, as I got closer the reflected light grew greater, when I reached the entrance I saw many piles of loose casino chips strewn across the floor of the cave.
My eyes took a few minutes to adjust to the darkness as I entered the cave, there was a dim glow deep in the cave once I could see again. the spectacle before me was beyond imagination, the cave was very deep and high, the further I went into the cave the piles of chips got larger, Chips from every casino that existed in Las Vegas in the last 40 years.
There were also poker tables from all the casinos in various conditions, some looked brand new, others were broken and ripped and still others looked like they had been burned. It was a disturbing sight.
A sight that was most unnerving was the table sitting off to the side that looked like it was ready for a game with a skeleton of a dealer in a Binion's Horseshoe uniform slumped over in his seat the cards gripped tightly in his right hand. Like he was waiting to deal a game that never got played.
I ventured deeper into the cave along a path that was littered with playing cards, I was headed toward a turn in the cave where the flickering light was getting brighter as I got closer. As I rounded the bend there was a great white marble Palace before me, The 100 foot stairway leading up to the entrance had miniature signs and marquees from every casino that ever existed in Las Vegas, lining the top of the banisters. At the top above the entrance was a larger than life replica of the "Welcome to Las Vegas" sign. The neon was blinding.
The facade of the palace incorporated the theme of all the casinos, it stretched thousands of feet in each direction and a thousand feet high. An overwhelming sight to behold.
As I was trying to absorb this great spectacle before me, I was startled by a deep booming voice from above, "Welcome, poker player" I stared up the stairs trying to see through the lights, "Please, Join us" I saw the huge glass doors swing open.
As I made my way up the stairs, I noticed the signs on the banisters worked exactly like the originals, turning and flashing, hawking the current entertainment inside. About a third of the way up I remembered I had my sunglasses and promptly put them on, "Ahh" that was much better, now that I was no longer blinded I made my way to the top more quickly.
I entered through the doors and stopped to gaze at the interior of this palace. Before me was a raised throne platform with 13 Thrones, on the back of each throne was carved a Spade and a rank 2 through Ace, each successive chair was a little taller that the previous one.
This was the "Hall of the Poker Gods" Where the greatest poker players of all time held court and watched over players around the world. I began to walk toward the thrones and the voice spoke again, "Please feel free to explore the palace". "Thank You" I said.
Behind the thrones was an anter room with a golden poker table in the middle, around the walls were bust of the best poker players in the world, past and present. In the center of the back wall were 2 crystal cabinets, one had racks of chips in Diamond,Platinum, Gold, and Silver, the other was full of red and blue decks of cards made of the finest materials that never wear out. I wondered about the games that were played here.
I returned to the entrance and looked to my left down the corridor and saw holograms of thousands of professional or sanctioned games in progress, to my right were banks and banks of video screens which appeared to have home games displayed on them each was labeled with a location.
I walked down to the Hologram area and it was amazing to stand in the middle of these games taking place around the world, I could walk around the tables of the World Series of Poker or the WPT and look at the cards any player was holding. I could observe any professional player any time. I was in awe of this place. I then noticed there are ghostly figures of other professional players also observing the action on the tables. So this's how they do it!
I then ventured to the other corridor to see what was happening on the Video screens.
I saw that most of the screens were viewing private homes, in places like Denver, Colorado, Riverside, California, Beijing, China, Helsinki, Finland and so on.
Some screen were blank but had labels like "Don's Office game, Cletus's Barn game,
those seem to be games that changed locations frequently. I wandered through the banks of screens stopping to observe what was going on in the players daily home life. There it was on way back in the corner of the corridor, Higgen's Home game, Grapevine Texas.
I was seeing Lee and Kim's house. I laughed and began watching, There was Lee, he looked like he was leaving to go to his ball game, He kissed Kim and left, Kim went into the kitchen and got something to drink then when into the bathroom, she started the water in the tub and began to pull up her blouse, Suddenly the voice spoke and startled me again " Player we will see you now! "POOF!", I was back before the thrones, "HEY! I wasn't done watching that!" I said, "What? Oh, That's not what those video feeds are for, ya pervert, It was about to scramble in a second anyway","To be honest, I some times unscramble it and watch Kim, Kim's a real looker!Don't ya think?" said the voice. "ANYWAY, You are here for poker are you not?" "Yes" I said, "Ok then!" he answered, I looked up at the throne and there in the Ace seat was a figure I couldn't quite make out, He was kind of fuzzy,like he wasn't really there but, I could tell he was large and had a cowboy hat on and he spoke with a Texas drawl. It had to be none other that "Texas Dolly, Doyle Brunson". The other thrones had ghost figures sitting in them too, but I couldn't make out who they were.
"You were lucky to find our little place here, We don't let many know we have this Palace, this is where we come to get away from the bullshit media around the game. It was a lot more fun in the old days." "We do however like to keep an eye on players who play because they really love the game". "We've watched Lee and Kim's for some time and all of the players there are good, even you!" Uh, What is your name?" "Mark" I said, "Oh,ok, Mark, We have observed that when there are more players than expected at those games there is a chip shortage", "That's right, they have these thin plastic chips they use for $1000 markers sometimes." I replied. Doyle says " Yes, we've seen that, and we the "POKER GODS" would like to help such loyal players. So here, Doyle gets up and goes around to the chip cabinet behind the thrones and opens it, he rummages around in the bottom for a minute then pulls out a plastic bag of gold chips and hands them to me. "Here take these to the Higgens and tell them this is from the POKER GODS" "I think I won those in a HORSE tournament one year"
"THANKS! they'll love this" I said. " Now, Mark it's time for you to leave, I have a $10,000 SIT-N-GO online in 15 minutes. "Dolly, I have a couple quick questions for you before I go" I said, "SHOOT" said Doyle, " Whose skeleton is that out front?" "That is Bob, the last dealer at the Horseshoe before the WSOP was moved to the RIO, the stubborn ass refused to believe we weren't coming back. I told him, It's LAS VEGAS, things change all the time!"
"And what about all the tables?" That's Phil Helmuth!, Throwing his pussy ass tantrums!" He pisses on the new tables when he loses to pocket deuces, rips the felt when beat by an amateur and burns the tables when I beat him, the jackass! We've done our best to keep that knowledge from the public", "Thanks, Doyle" "Bye Mark"
WOOSH!
I find myself sitting at a picnic table back where I started. "Find anything?" my wife ask, "Look, I found this old bag of chips, I wonder how they got up there?" I reply, "Honey, anything is possible in this town" she says, "True!" I said, "Well, I think I'll give these to Lee and Kim" "We go home tomorrow, Let's go back to the hotel!"
As I open the door to get in the car, I look up where the cave was and I see the entrance slowly seal itself. I chuckle, get in the car and drive off.
In the last 2 years I've met some new friends that play poker every Saturday night. They have a nice set of poker chips that accommodate about 25 players.
I saw a need to supplement their chips when on occasion they would run short on high end chips if extra players came to the game. Not being one who will just say " Hey, I found this for you when I was in Las Vegas" I concocted this tale for my Hostess.
While visiting Las Vegas We decide to take a side trip to Red Rock Canyon to visit the place where my wife and I got married. While walking down one of the hiking trails I gazed up the side of the canyon and noticed a glimmer of light in a small cave. My curiosity got the best of me and I climbed up the mountain to the cave to find out what was shining from inside, as I got closer the reflected light grew greater, when I reached the entrance I saw many piles of loose casino chips strewn across the floor of the cave.
My eyes took a few minutes to adjust to the darkness as I entered the cave, there was a dim glow deep in the cave once I could see again. the spectacle before me was beyond imagination, the cave was very deep and high, the further I went into the cave the piles of chips got larger, Chips from every casino that existed in Las Vegas in the last 40 years.
There were also poker tables from all the casinos in various conditions, some looked brand new, others were broken and ripped and still others looked like they had been burned. It was a disturbing sight.
A sight that was most unnerving was the table sitting off to the side that looked like it was ready for a game with a skeleton of a dealer in a Binion's Horseshoe uniform slumped over in his seat the cards gripped tightly in his right hand. Like he was waiting to deal a game that never got played.
I ventured deeper into the cave along a path that was littered with playing cards, I was headed toward a turn in the cave where the flickering light was getting brighter as I got closer. As I rounded the bend there was a great white marble Palace before me, The 100 foot stairway leading up to the entrance had miniature signs and marquees from every casino that ever existed in Las Vegas, lining the top of the banisters. At the top above the entrance was a larger than life replica of the "Welcome to Las Vegas" sign. The neon was blinding.
The facade of the palace incorporated the theme of all the casinos, it stretched thousands of feet in each direction and a thousand feet high. An overwhelming sight to behold.
As I was trying to absorb this great spectacle before me, I was startled by a deep booming voice from above, "Welcome, poker player" I stared up the stairs trying to see through the lights, "Please, Join us" I saw the huge glass doors swing open.
As I made my way up the stairs, I noticed the signs on the banisters worked exactly like the originals, turning and flashing, hawking the current entertainment inside. About a third of the way up I remembered I had my sunglasses and promptly put them on, "Ahh" that was much better, now that I was no longer blinded I made my way to the top more quickly.
I entered through the doors and stopped to gaze at the interior of this palace. Before me was a raised throne platform with 13 Thrones, on the back of each throne was carved a Spade and a rank 2 through Ace, each successive chair was a little taller that the previous one.
This was the "Hall of the Poker Gods" Where the greatest poker players of all time held court and watched over players around the world. I began to walk toward the thrones and the voice spoke again, "Please feel free to explore the palace". "Thank You" I said.
Behind the thrones was an anter room with a golden poker table in the middle, around the walls were bust of the best poker players in the world, past and present. In the center of the back wall were 2 crystal cabinets, one had racks of chips in Diamond,Platinum, Gold, and Silver, the other was full of red and blue decks of cards made of the finest materials that never wear out. I wondered about the games that were played here.
I returned to the entrance and looked to my left down the corridor and saw holograms of thousands of professional or sanctioned games in progress, to my right were banks and banks of video screens which appeared to have home games displayed on them each was labeled with a location.
I walked down to the Hologram area and it was amazing to stand in the middle of these games taking place around the world, I could walk around the tables of the World Series of Poker or the WPT and look at the cards any player was holding. I could observe any professional player any time. I was in awe of this place. I then noticed there are ghostly figures of other professional players also observing the action on the tables. So this's how they do it!
I then ventured to the other corridor to see what was happening on the Video screens.
I saw that most of the screens were viewing private homes, in places like Denver, Colorado, Riverside, California, Beijing, China, Helsinki, Finland and so on.
Some screen were blank but had labels like "Don's Office game, Cletus's Barn game,
those seem to be games that changed locations frequently. I wandered through the banks of screens stopping to observe what was going on in the players daily home life. There it was on way back in the corner of the corridor, Higgen's Home game, Grapevine Texas.
I was seeing Lee and Kim's house. I laughed and began watching, There was Lee, he looked like he was leaving to go to his ball game, He kissed Kim and left, Kim went into the kitchen and got something to drink then when into the bathroom, she started the water in the tub and began to pull up her blouse, Suddenly the voice spoke and startled me again " Player we will see you now! "POOF!", I was back before the thrones, "HEY! I wasn't done watching that!" I said, "What? Oh, That's not what those video feeds are for, ya pervert, It was about to scramble in a second anyway","To be honest, I some times unscramble it and watch Kim, Kim's a real looker!Don't ya think?" said the voice. "ANYWAY, You are here for poker are you not?" "Yes" I said, "Ok then!" he answered, I looked up at the throne and there in the Ace seat was a figure I couldn't quite make out, He was kind of fuzzy,like he wasn't really there but, I could tell he was large and had a cowboy hat on and he spoke with a Texas drawl. It had to be none other that "Texas Dolly, Doyle Brunson". The other thrones had ghost figures sitting in them too, but I couldn't make out who they were.
"You were lucky to find our little place here, We don't let many know we have this Palace, this is where we come to get away from the bullshit media around the game. It was a lot more fun in the old days." "We do however like to keep an eye on players who play because they really love the game". "We've watched Lee and Kim's for some time and all of the players there are good, even you!" Uh, What is your name?" "Mark" I said, "Oh,ok, Mark, We have observed that when there are more players than expected at those games there is a chip shortage", "That's right, they have these thin plastic chips they use for $1000 markers sometimes." I replied. Doyle says " Yes, we've seen that, and we the "POKER GODS" would like to help such loyal players. So here, Doyle gets up and goes around to the chip cabinet behind the thrones and opens it, he rummages around in the bottom for a minute then pulls out a plastic bag of gold chips and hands them to me. "Here take these to the Higgens and tell them this is from the POKER GODS" "I think I won those in a HORSE tournament one year"
"THANKS! they'll love this" I said. " Now, Mark it's time for you to leave, I have a $10,000 SIT-N-GO online in 15 minutes. "Dolly, I have a couple quick questions for you before I go" I said, "SHOOT" said Doyle, " Whose skeleton is that out front?" "That is Bob, the last dealer at the Horseshoe before the WSOP was moved to the RIO, the stubborn ass refused to believe we weren't coming back. I told him, It's LAS VEGAS, things change all the time!"
"And what about all the tables?" That's Phil Helmuth!, Throwing his pussy ass tantrums!" He pisses on the new tables when he loses to pocket deuces, rips the felt when beat by an amateur and burns the tables when I beat him, the jackass! We've done our best to keep that knowledge from the public", "Thanks, Doyle" "Bye Mark"
WOOSH!
I find myself sitting at a picnic table back where I started. "Find anything?" my wife ask, "Look, I found this old bag of chips, I wonder how they got up there?" I reply, "Honey, anything is possible in this town" she says, "True!" I said, "Well, I think I'll give these to Lee and Kim" "We go home tomorrow, Let's go back to the hotel!"
As I open the door to get in the car, I look up where the cave was and I see the entrance slowly seal itself. I chuckle, get in the car and drive off.
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